Hi, it’s me, Morgan.
Am I lazy, or am I a mammal hibernating in winter? I’ve thought about this often this season. Am I supposed to be craving a deep rest now so I can burst with energy in the other seasons, or am I just permanently tired? This winter has been a doozy, in a way that I think I am disassociating from to the point that whenever my work colleagues check in with me, I respond with a quick, constructed “I’m good”, and they say “..really??” and then I have a think and respond, well my dog died, and my dad is in my hospital, and I haven’t slept in days because my kid is [seemingly always] sick, but you know, I’m good. (..but seriously, I’m okay now guys.)
..I don’t know where I’m going with this story. I don’t really know where I’m going with most conversations these days - I’ve gotten so conditioned to having my child interrupt me mid-convo that now when I’m speaking, and he’s not around, halfway through speaking, I get uncomfortable like I’m not used to talking this long uninterrupted, and then I’m just meandering and will someone please interject.
So, anyway.
The other day my acupuncturist checked my pulse and whatever other witchcraft he does and told me the good news about me is that I’m “grounded..but just barely”. He put his hand out flat to indicate the ground, then lifted it slightly and started vibrating it. Yes, I nodded; that makes sense. I’ve started thinking of myself as one of those long green blow-up tubes with faces used to grab your attention at used car dealerships. You know those things? They flop around in every direction. But you know how they’re always connected to the same spot on the ground - that’s how I feel.
“Grounded” - sure, but really just moving in whatever direction some other force takes me. It’s gotten to the point that when I have some free time to work on my own personal projects, I end up doing not much at all, maybe watching some youtube videos while cozied up in bed, and then cursing myself for not accomplishing anything when it’s time for preschool pickup.
..I just got interrupted by my son. Where was I?
Am I lazy, or am I a mammal hibernating in winter? Is doing nothing good for my soul or destructive to my identity? Maybe it’s both? Am I a creative person if I’m not doing anything particularly creative? Does it even matter?
It’s March now, and we hopefully had our last snow for the season. I’m looking forward to new seedlings growing in the Spring and all the metaphors that go with that.
Things I’m thinking about / what to share with you:
Yearning to go to Japan and see this:
The comedy of Atsuko Okatsuka (and why can’t I find her Special in Canada? :( )
Author John Green on making bad pottery: “And this is the place where it can and often all does fall apart. I have to be everything my often-distracted internet-based brain does not want me to be - attentive, steady, patient.”
I’m just listening to Glennon Doyle’s podcast every day now #selfhelp:
Just finished reading the hauntingly beautiful “On Earth We’re Briefly Gorgeous” by Ocean Vuong and this quote of many great quotes stuck out:
Remember: The rules, like streets, can only take you to known places. Underneath the grid is a field—it was always there—where to be lost is never to be wrong, but simply more.
Here’s to springing forward 🌱,
— Morgan
Scenes from the studio, a space that’s been neglected this winter.
